July 30, 2023
Have you ever accidentally said something wrong?
A few years ago, I went to The Special Place restaurant. There aren’t many restaurants that serve baked oatmeal, but they did, and I love baked oatmeal! I don’t often do this, but I decided to write a google review. On the internet, for the world to see. I wrote, “The waitress was very nice and attentive. I enjoy their baked oatmeal.” Except that wasn’t what I typed. I had written, “I enjoy their naked oatmeal.”
It took me two years to realize my mistake! By that time the restaurant was closed. But I edited my google review. Now it says baked oatmeal. I like to emphasize that I had an excellent excuse, that the letter “b” and the letter “n” are right next to each other on the keyboard! Which is true. But it doesn’t change the fact that my review about “naked oatmeal” was on the world wide web for two years!
As Christians, we know God’s grace and forgiveness. When we are sorry for what we’ve done, Jesus forgives, we don’t need to beat ourselves up about sin. We will all let slip something we shouldn’t have said. It’s an accident. God forgives. Still, our words matter. When someone’s feelings are hurt, our accidental words can damage a relationship. And there’s someone besides God who we want forgiveness from. We want forgiveness from the person we hurt.
We’ve been talking about words. Jesus said in Luke 6:45 “the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Jesus wants us to have hearts full of love. We also have looked at Ephesians 4:29, which says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Basically, that verse says that every conversation we have is a construction zone. We are either building up or tearing down with our words.
So today we’re going to talk about what a follower of Jesus does when they accidentally say the wrong thing and we have upset someone. How do we build up that person, instead of tearing them down?
When we apologize to someone, we often go down a road with our words that makes things worse between us and the person we are apologizing to! We don’t like that this person is unhappy with us. So, we might say something like, Well I’m SORRY! That sounds sarcastic, right? Or we look for a reason to justify the words that came out of our mouths, and say, “I’m sorry, but I have an excellent excuse!” I think about the famous excuse of a kid who didn’t do their homework: “The dog ate my homework!” That could happen. Dogs can chew up a paper. But it doesn’t happen often. To a teacher, it sounds like a lame excuse. It’s like me and the “naked oatmeal.” I like to defend myself: the letter “b” is right next to the letter “n” on the keyboard! But I should have proofread it. With a Google review, the business or organization can’t change what you say. I had a responsibility to get it right.
What seems like an excellent excuse is really just about me: I don’t want to feel like I did something wrong that hurt other people. When I have hurt someone with my words, focusing on defending myself is the wrong way to go. It makes the other person more angry. Defending myself shows I am more concerned with me feeling better than I am about how the other person is feeling. So, never ruin an apology with an excuse!
If we are Jesus followers, we put others first! Jesus said in Luke 9:23, “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Jesus did not say, “whoever wants to be my disciple just needs to give excellent excuses.” No, if we follow Jesus, we need to learn to be concerned for the feelings of the person we hurt.
It’s tempting to say, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say you’re lazy. I meant to say I’m going crazy…because you’re so great!” What works better is to simply say, “I’m sorry.” Then nothing. Let’s all do that, we’ll all together say, “I’m sorry”. Ready? “I’m sorry!” Shh. It’s simple! That’s all you need to say. Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
You may be thinking, that won’t work! I’ll look foolish if I don’t defend myself! Well, here’s the problem: putting up a defense or giving an explanation, is a way of saying, “It’s not my fault you’re upset.” And when we say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” we are blaming the other person. ‘If you think I said something mean, you’re wrong, you took what I said the wrong way.’ What that person just learned is how we really view them, and how we don’t really value them.
The letter of James in the New Testament is written to teach believers to live humbly and to follow God’s wisdom, instead of the world’s wisdom. James 3:5 says, “The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” Think about the damage to a relationship, not by what we say accidentally. But by digging in, saying “I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m right. You’re being unreasonable.” Your mouth can burn down a relationship. Your tongue can tear down self-esteem. Couples have divorced over words said in a heated argument. Families have stopped speaking to each other when words accidentally start a forest fire!
How do you stop a spark from becoming a forest fire? You say a simple, “I’m sorry.” Never ruin an apology with an excuse. If you want to do more than say “I’m sorry,” listening sensitively is so important! A really powerful listening skill is to find some truth in what the other person is saying and agree with them. Because the opposite of defending yourself is to agree! You could say something like, ‘You’re right, I should be more careful with my words.” Or “You have the right to be angry at me!”
You may think, “I don’t want to agree with someone who’s being unreasonable or unforgiving!” Well, you don’t have to agree with them. But you’ll probably be far better off if you do. When you agree with someone, you’ll most often find they change. They’re less angry! They feel like you see them, you respect them, and you understand them. They will start to feel that maybe they don’t need to fight you and they don’t need to insist they’re right and you’re wrong. They’ll be more open to you.
My homework for you is, to practice four words that you can use when you have said the wrong thing to someone: those four words are: “I’m sorry” and if you want to go further, say, “You’re right.” So, let’s try it, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
When we have said something hurtful to another person, we want to make things better. But making an excuse or defending ourselves usually makes things worse! Jesus calls us to love, to be humble, and to deny ourselves the satisfaction of saying whatever we want. Four words: “I’m sorry, you’re right,” bring us closer to that person, rather than pushing them further away. With our words we can build up or tear down. Jesus calls us to put the other person first. And with four words, “I’m sorry, you’re right,” you can choose to build the other person up. Amen.
Maureen Duffy-Guy's blog 