July 16, 2023
We’re starting a new sermon series called “the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Those are Jesus’ words from Luke 6! He says we are known by our fruit. No good tree bears bad fruit. No bad tree bears good fruit. “The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Jesus is telling us it’s no accident what comes out of our mouth. The words from our mouth come from our heart. Jesus calls to speak good words, positive, encouraging words. not words that tear others down.
Our words carry a big weight. When we moved to Tamaqua from Douglassville in 2004, we pulled up in our big U-Haul truck. The realtor had told us, get some “no parking” signs from the Borough, and put them up ahead of time. Where we live you can only park on one side of the street, and it’s often parked full. So, we posted the signs and parked our U-Haul in the open space. And I heard the neighbor across the street say, “I hate it that I can’t park there today.”
Those were the first words I heard from our new neighbor. It was like she was saying, “I wish you weren’t here.” I can sympathize, nobody wants to lose their parking spot. But negative words have a big impact. I was a little on edge for a while thinking maybe people in Tamaqua don’t like us. I remember her words all these years later. She turned out to be a lovely neighbor, just a little grumpy. It matters what you say.
That’s just a neighbor I don’t see often. The closer you are to a person, the more your words matter. If you’re a parent, grandparent, or boss. Your words can encourage or discourage, inspire, or wound.
Even the words you don’t say matter. Imagine if you never heard your parents say: “I love you. I’m proud of you!” There are people who have never heard and would give anything to hear those words from parents or family, from the ones who matter most to them.
We all see how other people’s words have changed our lives. Still, we’re slow to admit our words have power over others. We use our words irresponsibly, not on purpose, but because we don’t realize that our words carry more weight than we think. If you’re a Christian, you’re called to monitor your mouth. Every time you have a conversation with someone close to you, your words matter.
Let’s look at a verse from Ephesians. The theme of Ephesians is “Christians, get along with each other!” Ephesians provides practical advice on how to live a Christ inspired life. You and I get to choose whether or not we follow Jesus. But what we don’t get to choose, is how we follow Jesus.
Five times in our gospels Jesus tells us to love one another. He said the second greatest command, after love God, is to love your neighbor as yourself. We don’t get out of the requirement to love if we follow Jesus. Jesus showed us great love. He loved us so much; he gave his life for us.
Ephesians 4:29, gives advice on how to live a Christ inspired life. It says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, (unwholesome can be translated any stinky, rotten, or offensive word).” It’s saying your mouth is like a gate. Don’t let any stinky, offensive words through the gate. You’re the gatekeeper.
You might say, well I am just honest! I say what I really think! Honesty is making sure what you do say is true. But honesty is not saying everything that is true. If you say everything that is true, you will have no friends! You will have no job! You will have no life! When someone asks, “How do I look?” I guarantee that they don’t want to hear your extremely honest answer! Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths.”
Then it continues: “But only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” That means don’t say whatever you want. Only let your mouth speak what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. That’s all.
If it sounds like that means you can’t expect anything from people, well Ephesians isn’t saying, only be nice. It’s saying you have to know that person, see from their standpoint, what if you were in their shoes, and build them up as they need it. Encourage others according to their needs.
That sounds really hard, to me. Because I feel like what someone needs to hear is what I need to say. And I feel so much better when I just say what I think they need to hear! But most us of are more focused on what we think we need to say, than on what others need to hear.
A man named Xavier Amador1 had a brother, Henry, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Henry heard voices and was paranoid. Xavier knew his brother could live a stable life, instead of wandering, and sometimes being homeless. He could go back to living a normal life if he would just take medicine for schizophrenia. Xavier told his brother every time he saw him, “you’re sick, you need to take medication.” For seven years, they didn’t have a relationship. Xavier was the expert, he started medical school to be a psychiatrist. He said what he thought his brother needed to hear. His brother would respond by walking out the door and out of his life.
Finally in medical school, Xavier realized his brother was not being stubborn, unreasonable, or in denial. Because of his schizophrenia, Henry was blind to his symptoms. He didn’t think he had any. He thought he was fine. Reasoning with him didn’t work. The only way Xavier, who was now Dr. Amador, would be able to help his brother get treatment was to build his brother up according to his needs. So, he had a conversation with Henry, listening carefully to him, and asking questions to make sure he got it right and understood him. Xavier put himself in his brother’s shoes. He asked himself, “If I were Henry, how would I feel? I would feel like my brother doesn’t respect me. I would feel he treats me like I’m a child, not an adult. I would feel like he thinks he knows better than me how I should live my life.” And then speaking with Henry, Xavier agreed with him: “if I were you, I wouldn’t take the medication either.” (Why would he say that? Because Xavier was being truthful, if he had schizophrenia and didn’t believe he had any symptoms, he wouldn’t take the medication either!) He partnered with his brother. Xavier found out what Henry really wanted in life. He discussed with his brother how he could realize his dreams. And in the end? Henry still didn’t think he had symptoms. But he agreed to take his medication, because he loved his brother, and he knew that his brother loved, understood, and respected him.
For the rest of his life, Henry took the medication, except for just one time. Then he ended up in the hospital and got right back on the medication and stayed on it. He lived a good life, volunteered, and had a girlfriend. Henry and Xavier had a great relationship from then on. All because Xavier finally learned to encourage his brother according to his needs.
It actually works better to listen, empathize, find things that you agree on with another person, and to help them go after what they dream of. It works best to build others up according to their needs, and not your needs. Plus, it’s the Christian way!
I’d like to think people are hungry for my advice. That if I put a stand in front of the church where I would offer advice, that people would line up to get it! But I don’t think people would. And if someone did show up, I don’t think they would want advice. I think they would want me to listen. People don’t want advice. What they are hungry for is love. Respect. Understanding.
This is really easy for me to say, that you need to build others up according to their needs. It’s so hard for me to do. Because I want to say what I want to say. But I’m telling you this because I know listening, empathizing, agreeing, encouraging, and working together with others is what Jesus wants us to do. And that works a lot better than the “I’m right, you’re wrong” approach.
It’s all about love, empathy, understanding, and finding agreement. That’s how you parent, that’s how you be the boss, that’s how you love. When someone really listens, is curious about how you feel and cares about you, then you are much more likely to work on a way forward with them.
My homework for you is to say something encouraging to somebody. Sometimes we think to ourselves, wow, that person is great. But we haven’t said it in a while. Or maybe ever! And they would love to hear it!
It’s so tempting to tell someone close to us what we think they need to hear. But that often ends up with tears, anger, silence, or them walking out the door. Because words can break a heart. Jesus lived and calls us to the way of love, to change our heart, so we build others up. Nobody would say the root of my problems is I got too much encouragement as a child! So, follow Jesus, and speak love and encouragement building others up. Amen.
Next Sunday we’ll talk about who you are and what you represent to certain people, and how that has an impact on your hearer.
1Dr. Xavier Amador is the founder of the LEAP Institute. The story of his relationship with his brother and how to communicate with adversaries can be found in his books: I AM NOT SICK I Don’t Need Help! and Becoming Fluent in LEAP. You can learn more at leapinstitute.org
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