When Kevin and I got married, I expected we would agree on just about everything! But we had arguments. Most often they were about little things, like when to wash the dishes, or what to eat for dinner. When I grew up, when we had chili for dinner, it was always over rice! My mom was from Cincinnati, where they came up with all kinds of creative ways to eat chili: over spaghetti, or with cinnamon, which I didn’t like much. Chili was important: my mom’s sister actually passed away a few years ago in Cincinnati at her favorite restaurant: Skyline Chili. She was 94. There’s no better way to start your journey to heaven than at a chili restaurant. Chili is in my blood! I liked my chili over rice. Kevin was from Texas. Texans say they created chili to begin with, so they know chili. And Kevin strongly objected. You never eat chlii over rice, no way! You know there is a point in every relationship where you decide, the other person is just crazy? We each thought the other was pretty crazy.
Of course, how you eat chili is not a very important thing. It’s not worth getting upset about. But arguments about little things can go WAY off track. Little things like how to eat chili can start a fight that ends in divorce. Because it can snowball to: “You never listen to me!” “You’re think you’re always right!” “You always have to have things your way.” You only care about yourself! Fortunately, I learned to enjoy chili without the rice; it was pretty good! We were back to being a couple in love.
Arguments happen. So how can we get along? The letter of James was written to help Christians live according to godly wisdom, rather than according to worldly wisdom. In the first chapter, verse 19, James says, I’m going to say something very important now! In vs. 19 he says, “My brothers and sisters, take note of this: (actually most people couldn’t write or read, they couldn’t write it down. But James meant, make a mental note, keep this in your head!) Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James is not saying all anger is wrong. For example, Jesus got angry. James is saying, unproductive anger does nothing good, it doesn’t accomplish what God wants. So be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. James is saying, when you are feeling angry at someone, hit the pause button! Don’t say that thing you would love to say. Don’t hit the roof, instead hit the pause button. Don’t speak. Or if you do speak, do it very wisely. Do it in a godly way.
Let’s look at his three pieces of wisdom. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
First, be quick to listen. It’s hard to listen. When we’re having a face-to-face conversation with someone, sometimes we tune them out and think of something else. Our phone dings and we have to look at it. Maybe we think we are listening, but we are just waiting for the other person to finish speaking so we can jump in and tell our story or give our advice. We aren’t listening to understand, we’re listening to reply.
But sometimes a person listens so well. They hear you! They may actually speak, but just to ask questions to better understand what you are saying. They say, “I hear you saying…” They repeat back what you say. They are slow to jump in with a reply. You can tell they care about what you are saying and they care how you are feeling. That feels WONDERFUL! It’s great when someone really hears you.
Often during an argument, sin stops us from listening. We don’t care what the other person is saying, we know we are right! We want to win the battle. But too often we lose the war. We’re right, but we lose a friend.
So, be quick to listen! Really listening to someone is one of the best ways to connect with another person. It improves relationships, promotes trust and reduces conflict. It’s tempting to not listen. But when you hit the pause button, and give your full attention and love, you get closer to that person.
Second, James say, be slow to speak. When you’re in an argument, things can get heated! Maybe your boss says, “You’re always late!” It seems like the best thing to do is to speak up and give our very good reasons: “I was almost out of gas and had to fill up. That’s why I’m late.” “There was road construction that slowed me down. That’s why I’m late.” We think giving reasons helps. But to your boss it sounds like excuses. Your reasons hurt your case rather than help.
What does help? Being slow to speak. Listening to the boss. If you’re going to speak, don’t give your very good reasons. Instead, find the truth in what they are saying. “I hear you, boss. You’re right, I have been late too often recently.” It’s tempting to offer your side of the situation. It’s tempting to give a good defense. But when you hit the pause button and don’t speak to defend yourself, it brings you closer. Your boss feels better that you take responsibility, and that you understand where he’s coming from.
Finally, James says, be slow to become angry. Sometimes we are justified in being angry! So why not yell, why not raise our voice and get good and angry? James 1:20 says, “because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” When we do what’s natural, and let our natural, human anger fly, it is sin. Sometimes we are right to be angry, but how we are angry matters. How we are angry can either build up a relationship or tear it down.
Holding in anger and not expressing how you feel doesn’t help either. James doesn’t say, hide your anger. He says, be S-L-O-W to be angry. Take five minutes to cool down. But don’t hide, come back to the person you are angry at. Don’t react. Maybe they were rude or mean. Don’t react in the same way, instead respond in the Spirit. Listen to understand. Also say how you feel. You might say, “I’ll admit I’m feeling put down. I feel angry. But I know there is truth to what you are saying. I’d like us to work through this and get along.”
It’s hard to argue with someone who listens well, admits they have some fault, and tells you straight out how they honestly feel! When you hit the pause button and slow down your anger, it brings you closer.
Anger is an important emotion. Just don’t let it hijack your brain!
I have been in many conflicts in marriage and in life. I’m still happily married! I am amazed how listening, taking the time to think about what I will say, and being slow to express anger has helped. I grew up thinking I had to hide my anger. I thought anger was the end of relationships, but it’s not. Conflict is an opportunity to grow closer. It’s an opportunity to be honest and caring. We are all children of God. We all just want to know other people care.
I want to acknowledge there are very serious things some of us deal with. Things that are harder to work through than how to eat chili. There’s abuse, trauma, and very hurtful matters. Sometimes we need counselor to help us through. We definitely need God. God is a very present help in our need. God gives us the words to say when we don’t know what to say.
My homework for you this week is to listen to someone. Listen to every word they say, don’t look at your phone. Don’t think about your grocery list or the game on TV. Just listen, and when they finish talking, ask questions about what they said. Or repeat back what they said. Pause what you want to do and say and give the gift of really listening. You will make their day!
Jesus was in many conflicts: with the religious leaders, conflict with his disciples, conflict that led to his crucifixion. Conflict is part of everyone’s life. But conflict didn’t stop Jesus from having relationships with and helping many people. After Jesus, James wrote the book of James, and tells us what to do in arguments. He said take note: be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. We get along with others, not by reacting or responding in kind. We get along by hitting the pause button. Often, a godly response leads to the deeper relationship we hope for. Amen.
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