May 2, 2021
I love parents! You’ve got to love them, they have the most important job there is, and it’s not easy! So, this sermon series on parenting is to support parents, and to support all of us as we seek to find out, how does God want us to treat other people, and what is the way to live a blessed life with others.
Is the love you feel for you kid all you need for a happy relationship? Most of the time you feel tremendous love for your child. But there are times that your child’s behavior is very challenging, and another emotion like anger or frustration can hijack your brain.
Once I heard a little girl talk about a boy in preschool, who she said was bad. Not too long after, I heard another little girl, turned out to be in the same class. She said there was a little boy who didn’t behave in preschool. Same name, same boy the other girl talked about. I didn’t know this boy, but at three years old he was already notorious for bad behavior! Pretty early in life, we know challenging behavior when we see it!
But sometimes the people you would think would turn out to be challenging do not. I’ve been to the Camp Hebron Junior High Retreat a few times with our confirmation class or the class from Kevin’s church. There was an amazing youth leader there who called all the adults “brother” or “sister.” He didn’t call my husband Kevin, he was “Brother Kevin.” When our confirmation class came for the retreat last year, Mitch Raho, Jr was “Brother Mitch.” You had a title of respect, and you were brother or sister, part of his family. This guy was unique that he brought a group of inner-city youth to the retreat. Kevin, the year he went, and Mitch, when he came last year, and the boys in confirmation class ended up sleeping in the cabin with this youth leader and his group. There was a concern that this group had a lot of energy and lights out would not be observed. Would that group keep everybody up all night? Well, the leader treated his youth with a lot of respect. He didn’t expect them to be prepared for everything. He explained to them, “This is a bar of soap I’m going to leave in the shower. You can soap yourself up and wash yourself off with it if you like. I also am leaving some shampoo in the shower. If you want to wash your hair you can use it.” When it was close to bedtime, he would spend 15 or 20 minutes engaging them in conversation. They would talk about what they like to do. Then at bedtime he would say, now it’s time to turn off the lights and go to bed. The lights went out. Then for maybe half an hour, reminded them a few times it was time to be quiet. But lights out was lights out. Everybody got to sleep!
How do you do that? How is it that a person can take a group of inner-city boys to camp, and they aren’t the challenging bad boys, instead they behave? What is the secret? Their leader knew how to love. Not to get mad and yell at kids, not to talk to other leaders about how he can’t believe the way his youth misbehaved. No, he knew how to give a lot of positive attention and support to the youth. He knew how to love. This story shows how our Christian faith can really inform how we relate to others, change relationship for the good.
Last week I said that Jesus taught there are two commandments: Love God with all you’ve got. Love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the greatest commandments. They are not very specific commandments; Jesus did not give a long list of rules. He just pointed to the main thing: you need to love.
When Jesus knew he would be soon be going to his death, he had a last command to give his followers. But first, he did something for them. In John 13, he washed their feet. Peter said, No, never Jesus, you’re the master! You don’t wash my feet! But Jesus says, it has to be this way or you will have no part of me. Then Jesus washed his followers feet.
When Jesus finished foot washing, he asked his followers “Do you understand what I have done for you?” 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.
Jesus is showing them, if you follow him, you go the extra mile for someone. This is what Jesus does, he washes feet. This is what you do.
Jesus says in verse 33 “My children, I will be with you only a little longer. 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”
That’s the new command, to love. Once more, Jesus gives a love command. Before Jesus gave two commands: Love God and love your neighbor. Now he says, “Love one another.” This will be the mark of Jesus’ followers. That you love.
Jesus is giving his followers an example. They didn’t want to wash feet. Jesus tells them, choose to love, even when you don’t feel love. You wash feet anyway, and you love anyway. It’s not an excuse to say, well, I don’t feel love. You do what love requires.
Jesus gives a command to love. Most of us treat love like it’s an emotion. For Jesus, it was a command, it’s not how you feel. It is something you do even when you don’t want to.
So, if you have a child, or someone in your life who is challenging, Jesus commands you: Love, them even when it is hard. But how? We usually think of love as an emotion that goes away when anger walks in the door!
Let’s say your kid misbehaves, and even though you’re so mad that smoke is billowing from your ears, you take a moment, and pause, and remember a moment when they were wonderful, so kind, so joyful, and so good! In your mind, you get yourself back to love.
It’s important to get back to loving your kid, because when you love people, you bring out the best in them. What if you came in late for work, and your boss responded in love, “It’s not like you to come in late. Did something go wrong this morning? Is everything okay?”
Does that feel different than if he said, “You’re late! You need to be here on time! Work starts at 8:30 a.m.”
Which one feels better? Which one makes you want to be on time?
Kids will make some BIG mistakes. But if we want them to feel they can overcome their mistakes, and know that we can forgive and God forgives, we need to choose to love, even when we don’t feel love.
I remember when I was learning to drive. Our car had a manual transmission. I went out driving with my dad, and I did ok, until I tried to turn into our driveway and overshot. I almost hit a brick building! My dad was often pretty calm and unflappable. But in this instance my dad was exasperated! He said, “What are you doing?” When he was learning to drive, he actually ran into a house, so he really could have encouraged me that I would get better like he did! But he didn’t tell me that.
I would have appreciated a little more love from my Dad. As a result of that incident, I was frustrated with driving. I stopped trying to drive, and it took two more years until I got my license.
Jesus gave us a love command. At some point as a parent your kid will behave in a way that seems unbelievable! It’s important to cool off and get back to love. Choose to love even when you don’t feel love. When you choose to love them, you can help them learn and grow in a challenging situation.
Heather Criswell ran a daycare. There was a sliding glass door in the daycare they didn’t use. It was locked all the time. But a teacher had this idea, they could let the kids use washable paints outside and paint on the window. Then the kids could wash their picture off with water and squeegee the window and paint again. There was a water bucket for washing the window. One day Heather was talking to a parent and happened to look out the window. She saw Eli, who was four, drowning Isaac, who was 4, in the bucket! She screamed and ran outside. The other teachers heard her scream and had pulled Isaac out the water.
Heather was more than angry, she was disgusted. She was so mad she could spit nails! She wanted to kick Eli out of school. Heather knew her emotions had gotten too intense to address Eli. She had to take a time out, so she could choose to love, even when she didn’t feel love.
She told Eli, “I’m too angry to talk to you right now. I will be back in two minutes to talk to you.” She chose to give herself the time she needed so she could come back to Eli and speak out of a place of love.
She came back and asked Eli what he was feeling when this happened. Eli said he was mad at Isaac. Isaac was good at getting kids angry.
Heather suggested Eli could do something else when he is angry: punch a punching bag or throw balls into the ball pit. Eli liked the idea of throwing balls in the ball pit. He felt like now he had something to do when he got angry at Isaac.
Then Heather got Isaac and helped him tell Eli how he felt and what he wanted Eli to do.
Parenting can bring out strong emotions. We have to remember kids are just kids, they are just learning. If we freak out at their behavior, the lesson they learn is that they are not acceptable. If instead we take a time out to calm down, they can learn and grow from misbehavior, because we choose to love them and help them change. We choose to see their best self and to believe they can overcome.
My homework for you this week is to think of your child or think of someone who is challenging for you to love. Picture them at a time when they were so amazing, so capable, or so kind. Hold onto that picture, so you can feel grateful for them and loving towards them. At some moment in the future, you may find yourself so angry you can spit nails! If you can bring up that memory of them at their best, it can help you get past your anger, and then calmly help them find a different way forward.
Jesus gave us commands, love God, love our neighbor, love one another. That’s it! Love, just love. It’s simple, but at some moments, extremely difficult to do. Love is not just a wonderful emotion that we experience sometimes, but not at other times. Love is a command from Jesus. When you are hopping mad, remember to not just go with how you feel. Instead, get yourself back to where you can do what Jesus says: love! Amen.
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