April 25, 2021
When I was in grade school, I was in the Safety Patrol! The part of the job I liked best was where I had a flag on a pole I held across the streets while kids walked across the street, until they were safe on the other side. But sometimes I was on bus duty. When kids got out of school, they were supposed to walk down the sidewalk to the bus. It wasn’t a stampede, but it was a lot of kids, experiencing the joy of the end of the day. Our job was to yell, “WAAAALLLLKKK,” whenever we saw a kid running. I thought the kids would catch on after a few days. But they never seemed to. Someone would start to run. And the safety patrol would yell, “WAAAAALLLLLKKKKK!” I remember getting told, “You have to yell louder.” But it really didn’t seem to matter how loud I yelled, or how loud any other patrol members yelled, it didn’t have much effect. It was like the students hardly noticed us standing there and yelling.
Sometimes parenting can feel like that. You tell your kids what they need to do: go to bed, clean your room, do your homework. You ask them to be nice to their siblings, feed the dog, or help clean the hamster cage. And sometimes it’s like they don’t even hear you.
And it can be worse than that. There can be struggles over rules, kids can be defiant, disrespectful, and I’m not the only Mom who has heard, “I hate you!” from her kid.
So, what is going on? Why don’t kids just obey?
If there were someone following you around every day, reminding you of the rules you are breaking, how would you feel? I heard recently, a policeman said, if he follows a car for five minutes, he will find a violation. This probably works best if he is not in a police car, because in that case you would be on your best behavior. He would find you didn’t use your turn signal, didn’t make a full stop at a stop sign, or you are driving over the speed limit. And if a policeman pulls you over and gives you a ticket, what do you say? “Oh, I’m so glad you stopped me, and pointed out to me what I should not have been doing! Thank you for giving me this ticket so I can learn my lesson!” No, you probably don’t feel you should have been pulled over!
We all make mistakes. Rules remind us of our weaknesses. It is important that we follow the rules. But if we want kid to do what’s right, what’s best for them, it has to be about more than obedience.
The thing about rules is they take behavior to the lowest common denominator. Following the rules can become a game: “You said to be home by 9, but you didn’t say 9pm.” Obedience is the answer to the question, “what is the least I can do without getting in trouble.” If parenting is just about rules, you can end up with hundreds of rules, like the DMV has for driving. That’s what rule- based obedience is.
When Kevin was in Junior High, he was often late to classes. So, he got detention for being late. He showed up for detention. And guess what: he was late! The teacher said, “Who are you?” He told her his name. “Well, you can’t come in here, you’re late.” Kevin said, “That’s good, I didn’t want to be here anyway,” and he started to walk out. Then the teacher said, “Wait a minute! Get back in here!” The rules sometimes get in the way of enforcing the rules!
Last week I talked about the Apostle Paul’s words to the church in Corinth,1 Corinthians 13:4, “Love is patient, love is kind.” The next verse, v. 5 has wonderful words for parenting or for relating to anyone: “Love does not dishonor others.”
Paul also mentions honor, in Romans 12: 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” The Apostle Paul teaches that love means you honor others.
Parenting is about a relationship of a parent with a child; you want a loving relationship, so that means honor is involved! The main goal of parenting is not for children to follow the rules. You want to have a relationship where the parent honors the child, and the child honors the parent. Respect and love for one another is the goal, not following the rules. A few rules are important, but you can’t be just about the rules. Rules remind children of their weakness, but honoring your child reminds them of their greatness.
Jesus was asked, what is the greatest commandment? He said to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And he said the second greatest commandment is love you neighbor. Jesus gave only two commandments. He didn’t come to give lots of rules. The two commandments he gave were not very specific. Just love God and love your neighbor. Paul tells us love includes honor, so honor God and honor your neighbor.
Jesus also said, Matthew 5:17-18 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets. I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them. ” What’s interesting is that Jesus broke the law at times: he healed a person on the Sabbath, and you weren’t supposed to do any work on the Sabbath. But Jesus knew we don’t worship the commandments or the law; we worship God. God gave us the 10 Commandments, out of relationship with the people of Israel. It isn’t just the commandments that are important; it is that relationship with God. Jesus was more concerned with what is the heart behind the law, the intention of the law. The Law points back to honoring God and honoring others. The point of rules, the point of disciplining our kids is to have a good, healthy relationship.
Kids will break rules. Just like we will break rules when we drive, although I encourage you to try to follow the rules. To bring out the best in children, we call them to the purpose behind the rules. We call them to a loving, honoring relationship.
I think I know why those kids didn’t listen to me when I was on Safety Patrol. I didn’t know most of them and they didn’t know me. There was no relationship. Plus, when I was yelling “walk” at them, I was pointing out their weakness. They were so excited to be with their friends, running to the bus, and I was someone they didn’t know, pointing out their weakness, that they were breaking a rule. It’s not surprising they didn’t listen.
You know what, the world will remind your kids every day of their weaknesses. You make a lasting positive impact on your child when you remind them of their strengths. Find a way to side with them. “You didn’t take out the trash? That’s just not like you. You are usually so helpful. What is going on?” When you say that, you start a conversation and help your child be their better self. Maybe you do the opposite: you ground your kid for a week. What that does is help your child become bitter. You want your child to be better, not bitter. Rules remind children of their weaknesses, but honoring your child reminds them of their greatness.
How do we focus more on honor than on obedience? Well, we absolutely should expect good behavior and expect kids to do their homework, do chores, and be kind. When that doesn’t happen, we can express surprise that they misbehaved. We’re surprised because bad behavior isn’t like them. We believe the best about our child.
Here’s another example of honoring your child. In her book, How to Raise a Happy Child and Be Happy Too, Heather Criswell tells how one day she walked by her daughter’s room and her daughter said to her, “You’re not the boss of me!” Heather knew her daughter isn’t usually like that. She was upset because she was supposed to clean her room before she went out to play with her friends. But she didn’t clean her room, and now she missed playing with her friends. Heather said, “You’re right, I’m not the boss of you, you’re the boss of you. And I’m the boss of me. When you are ready to speak to me with the respect I deserve, you can come talk to me in my room.
A little while later her daughter came to see her. She said she finished cleaning her room, and she’s sorry for getting mad. She was mad at herself for not cleaning her room. Heather admitted she gets mad, too. When she needs to be alone she will tell people, “I need some space right now.” Her daughter said she will try that next time. Heather told her daughter how proud she was of her for cleaning her room and taking responsibility for her behavior, and she was sure she could handle this when it happened again.
Do you see how this could work better than just insisting a child clean their room? You’re not the bad guy demanding they follow the rule of cleaning their room. You are the parent who helps them think about their choices and honors their greatness. You are the parent who believes your child can think things through and make a good choice. Rules remind children of their weakness, but honoring your child reminds them of their greatness.
Jesus said something mind-blowing in Matthew 19:26, “With God all things are possible.” In Christ we are a new creation. We are not doomed by our weaknesses. We are empowered by our God. Don’t believe for a moment that you or your child is defined by their weaknesses.
For so long, we parents thought the best thing to do when a child gets bad grades is to get angry and tell them they should have done better! We thought, you need to point out their weakness. It seemed like a good thing to make a big deal about their failures so they would change and get good grades.
But research, shows that when parents get visibly upset, and get their child upset, it is the worst possible reaction to bad grades. It leads to the child getting even worse grades in the future. Punishing them for bad grades doesn’t help, it makes things worse. Ignoring the bad grades doesn’t help. What does work is praising your child for the positive aspects of their work and encouraging them to do better.
Parents should be concerned about poor grades. But rather than get upset about their child’s weaknesses, parents can offer to help or to get help for their child. A conversation where you honor your child, maybe you say you believe they are so smart, and you believe they can do better: that has a positive effect on grades.
This is all easy to say, hard to do. I find myself criticizing my grown kids’ choices, criticizing their weaknesses. But I try to do better and to honor them. I try to remind myself and them of their greatness!
Imagine if we all had positive, encouraging words for those around us and could see the good in them, even when they failed! We would all get up more quickly when we fall and reach heights worthy of God’s calling!
My homework for you this week is to tell someone, “I’m so proud of you!”
Rules and obedience aren’t the answer to failures. The answer is a loving relationship with your child that honors them. We all mess up sometimes. That’s human. When we fail, it’s not who we are, that does not define us. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. When you honor your child, reminding them of their greatness, they are most likely to believe in their greatness. Let’s believe in kids and bring out the best in them.
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