April 20, 2021
We’re continuing our message series on 21st century parenting. Last week’s message was “Truth or Grace?” Truth is when you tell the hard truth or enforce the rules. Grace is when you know it is time to let something slide, you forgive, or you give unmerited favor. Jesus was full of grace and truth. His example teaches us we need to offer both.
Today our topic is “Patient or pushy?”
We’ve learned a lot of patience over the past year. How many of you believe God is going to make things better in the year ahead? God acts, it will just take patience. I’m going to continue to wear a mask, I got my first vaccine and will get the second in a few weeks. I’m believing God for a better time ahead.
How many of you occasionally find yourself battling impatience? Sad thing is many of us are most impatient with those we love the most.
When our children were little, getting somewhere on time with our kids was a frequent struggle for Kevin and me. One day when Ian was in grade school, we were, as so often, running late. I would prefer to get somewhere on the nose, rather than early. Which means that when there is a delay, I end up late. Well one morning we were behind getting out the door to go to the bus stop. To get to the bus stop, we had to go down a steep hill. I knew we had no time to spare. I told Ian, “Let’s hurry, we can run a little.” Was I patient or pushy? I think I was pushy! He fell, headfirst. He got scraped up. So, I could see the bus at the bus stop, but we weren’t going to make it. We had to go back home and get cleaned up. His glasses were too scratched up to see through. I cleaned him up and put several Band-Aids on his face. And you know what day it was at school? Picture day! Of course. So, there is a school picture of him with several Band-Aids on his face and a great big smile! He survived. But we had to buy him a new pair of eyeglasses. It would have been better to be patient!
Being impatient is a more natural response. We get impatient with people we work with or with our boss. We get impatient with family members. We get impatient with children. We get impatient with God, “God I’ve been praying, when are you going to come through for me?”
If you ask the people around you, they’d say you’re better when you are patient than when you’re demanding. They’d say you’re better when you’re patient than when you’re argumentative. You’re better when you’re patient than when you’re controlling. God would say it’s better to be patient and wait on His timing!
The Apostle Paul wrote a beautiful passage of Scripture. It is read at many weddings. But he didn’t write it for weddings. He wrote it for the church of Corinth, a church where the Christians in the church didn’t get along. They had quarrels and divisions among them. V. 12 says: “What I mean is this: One of you says, ‘I follow Paul’; another, ‘I follow Apollos’; another, ‘I follow Cephas’; still another, ‘I follow Christ.’” Paul is saying that everybody thinks they know the right way and the others are wrong. There was boasting in the church, “I’m better than others at this Christian faith.”
The church in Corinth was divided. It was a church that was new to the Christian faith. Paul wrote to them in 1 Corinthians 13:1-13, “Love is patient, love is kind.” Patience is important because if you don’t have patience with someone, what do you do? You might yell, or walk away from someone angry. If you say, “I have no patience with them.” That means you don’t respect that person. Paul wanted the church at Corinth to get along. Be patient. Everybody is different. Paul advised; don’t think you are better than anyone else. Be patient.
Patience means you slow down. Patience means you take the time to work things out together. If you can’t get a kid to the bus on time, you talk with your child and figure out what would work better. If a kid has to wear their clothes for the next day to bed, it’s better than falling and paying for a new pair of glasses! Even more important than the cost of a pair of eyeglasses, if you are patient with a child, they will be patient with themselves. They learn, “I can overcome, I can make a change for the better. I’m awesome!”
There’s always that temptation as a parent to be pushy. We think, “I’m the parent, I know how things need to go.” But we can lose respect for our kid in the process. Kids like to have some control, rather than be pushed. Patient parents get in tune with their kid. Patient parents trust that their kid can find a way, with a little help.
It’s a common belief that a parent should be able to control their child. But you know what? We can’t. The only person I can control is me. I can control my words and actions, my decisions and my life. When you try to control another person, even your child: there is a fight, there is a struggle.
Once one of my kids was mad at me and launched a golf ball at me head! Ouch! I yelled! I gave him a time out. That was an instance that was out of my control. I had no idea he would throw a golf ball at me! You can’t control your child and make them behave all the time. But if instead you are patient with a child, your child will be patient with themselves. They will have more respect for themself.
I remember once, my kid was out of control and misbehaving. I held him. I wrapped myself around him. He couldn’t move. But it didn’t help him calm down. Taking control of someone doesn’t put them in a good frame of mind. It just frustrates and angers them.
What else can you do? Let’s say your kid launches a golf ball and it hits your head! You can tell your kid, “I need five minutes to calm down, then I will come back and we will talk.” That would have helped me. I was hopping mad about that golf ball!
Another common parenting issue is a kid has an argument with a sibling or friend and comes and tells you, “Johnny called me a name.” I was never good at knowing who started it or who was to blame. So, I would just say, “You’ll have to figure out how to handle it.” A kid may not like that answer. I could have added some advice, “If I have a friend who calls me a name, I might decide not to play with them for a day.”
Patience means you realize you can’t control a kid, and if you try to control them, it doesn’t make things better. Patience means you settle for giving some advice and having some influence on them. You are still the boss. But you don’t get caught in the pointless struggle to control them.
What if your kid needs to hold your hand when you cross the street, but they don’t want to! Kids appreciate a choice. Tell them, “Do you want to hold my right hand or my left hand while we cross the street?” It feels good to have a choice. No matter your age, you like a choice. In my Dad’s later years, he loved having a choice. None of us want to be forced to do something. We like a choice. And you can always offer some kind of choice.
It can be hard as a parent to let a child make a bad choice. So, we often decide to make the choice for them. But then they miss out on the best teacher available: experience! Kids learn so much, when they make bad choices! They likely decide, “I’m never going to do that again!”
Someone once spoke about the greatest gift his parents ever gave him: “My parents were wonderful. They never got upset with me or scolded me or expressed disappointment in me. Instead, after every experience in my life, they asked me a question. It was the same question, whether I fell down the stairs and got hurt, or I didn’t make the baseball team, lost my money because I had a hole in my pocket, or had a broken heart over a girlfriend. The one question they asked me was, ‘So what did you learn from that?’
“I realize what a gift they gave me. I don’t look at life as failures and setbacks. I see every experience as a chance to learn and grow.
“When I got a job I hated, I just asked myself, ‘So what did I learn from this?’ And I moved on to a new job where I was happier. My parents one question shaped my whole outlook on life.”
My homework for you this week, is to read this verse, Proverbs 15:18, “A hot-tempered person stirs up dissension, but a patient person calms a quarrel.”
It’s natural to be impatient. But God calls us to patience. Love is patient and love is kind. When you are patient with your children and others, life goes better. Patient parents are happier, and their kids are happier. We can help our kids learn from every experience in life, when we are patient. God is so patient with us! Let’s be patient with one another. Amen.
Maureen Duffy-Guy's blog 